I have issues. Beard issues. I can't grow one... not properly. Don't get me wrong, I still have a face full of beard hair but it's... patchy. A bit like marsh land. And to be honest I look like I should have a dog on a rope and be shouting 'Big Issue!' in the middle of the street. Even when I'm wearing a suit. The trouble is, I absolutely hate shaving. Detest it. I'm 38 in a few days and I still can't shave properly. If I have a shave, going with the grain, I need to shave again 3 minutes later. If I go against the grain then, apart from the obvious bleeding and razor rash, I come out with spots 24 hours later. And it's not like I don't prep properly either, well sometimes I don't, but I have tried everything: different razors (ranging from BIC disposables to 7 razored vibrating sushi knives to electric); different products; different types of pre-shave treatments; shaving at different times of the day and with different temperatures of water.
My lack of prominent chin also means that I am compared to everyone from Dave Grohl (not bad) to David Guest (not great) to Jeremy Beadle (not good at all - insert hand joke here). I shall shave in due course - I promise. My beautiful wife has said she doesn't mind my beard at the moment, as it is a bit longer it is therefore a bit softer - she hates it when I have stubble and my face exfoliates hers. She also knows that I long to be a Pirate. I know she prefers me clean shaven but I feel she understands my pain - Christ! Women go through enough razor, tweezer and epilator related evil as it is...
I also have to contend with the fact that, as I approach 40, my beard has started to become peppered with grey... well white actually. Worse than that is before a hair turns white it seems to turn ginger! So my straggly marshland-like beard is a matted rug of different colours - still predominantly dark, but highlighted with red and white. I also find myself staring at it for hours in the mirror. I'm a mess. And so is my beard. Anyway, the real question I wanted to explore is this: Can you ever trust someone with a beard?
Does a large amount of facial hair mean they're covering something up? Does a beard add a dash of mystery? Or does it add a sinister, malevolent air to a man? Does it make a man more manly (think rugby players)? Or does it make the more effeminate (think of the tidy-privet beard)? Or does it make you think of ridiculous guys (often Asian but white guys are not immune to this either), with massive knotted ties working in the Carphone Warehouse, who have decided that facial hair is an art-from and have taken to trimming their beards and 'tasches to millimetre perfect angles and shapes?
Can you take someone with a beard seriously? Or do you think of Dahl's Mr Twit saving his breakfast, the odd cornflake lodged in there to be devoured later? Anyhoo... I've finished with the beard related rhetorical questions now. I'm going to make a Goan Fish Curry. I may shave tomorrow or I may turn up at school with a very distinctive smelling beard.
Sunday, 10 October 2010
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