Zoot Alors!

I think I'd like to be French...

Well sometimes. I'm actually too lazy to learn the language. I don't particularly want to live there, well not long enough to gain citizenship - but I do, sometimes, get a little funny feeling that I could be a Frenchman. Now what does that actually mean? Wearing a stripey Breton top, a beret and riding a bicycle with a string of onions around my neck? No. That's a racist stereotype. Too much 'Allo 'Allo.

Maybe I could be like David Ginola or Eric Cantona. It's the idea of pairing absolute creative genius with total nonchalance and either the ability to chin someone or have lovely hair.

Eric Cantona - Flawed genius? Artist? Mad Frenchman?

Now I am neither a creative genius - I have my moments of inspiration but that's about it - and neither am I nonchalant. Eric Cantona would use sublime skill and genius improvisation to outwit an opponent or score a goal. He'd then scrape his shins down someone's head, get red carded and shrug. Or go ballistic. Maybe karate kick an opposition fan on the way back to the changing rooms... that kind of thing. I'd like to do that. Well, maybe not actually do it but I'd like to think I could...

The French don't have a great record of producing music: Vanessa Paradis - Joe le Taxi; F.R.David -Words; Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin (though she's British!) - Je T'aime Moi Non Plus. There are obviously some fantastic musicians from France though, for instance Air - wonderful group - stylish, cool but never quite fashionable. And there are some serious Jazz musicians. And I love the music of Yann Tiersen - the Amelie soundtrack is so French! At least to a non-French person it is... No. It's not the music that makes me want to be French.

Perhaps the idea of being a great lover? I guess we could all do with a few improvements here and there but the stereotype of the Frenchman as a great lover is dead. Recent studies in France have shown the nation's libido is suffering - unless of course it involves having an extra-marital affair (another sterotype - French people allegedly have poor morals). I don't want to do that. And my wife would kill me. The idea of being a Pepe Le Pew smooth, French Lover (and also another racist sterotype - the French as smelly) is not what I want either. I am not smooth, I might try to be charming, but I'm not a lounge lizard. Or a skunk.

Style, panache, a certain 'je nais se quoi'? Ah fashion... now we're talking. The French have, of course, an amazing tradition of Haute Couture - maybe more for women than men but Yves Saint Laurent, Christian Dior, Jean Paul Gaultier, Christian Lacroix and  Louis Vitton are French fashion houses respected worldwide. Other fashion brands such as Hermes and Zilli at the top end and Lacoste and shoe company Kickers at the high street end are still popular.There are probably many stores with French origins or French designers that I don't know about but I have to admit - there is a certain style to be being a Frenchman (and I'm thinking Alain Delon circa 1960's film here - sharp suits, hats, macs, sunglasses, etc.) but you could argue that Italians and the Brits also have style.

Alain Delon - French style icon and symbol of French Masculinity

Maybe I want to become a philospher... philosophy is inextricably linked with the French. And I love the way that they steadfastly try to protect the French Language by saying NON! to modern vocabulary.

I guess the real thing that makes me want to be French - and again it is a stereotype - is the cuisine. Not just the fancy, Michelin star dining but the peasant food, the farmer's markets, the wine, the cheese and the importance of meals (I could be Italian or Spanish as well... easily!).  I am easily swayed by listening and watching Rick Stein extolling the virtues of the French. I love the Roux family and to be quite honest my life could easily revolve around good wine and fabulous cheese and bread. Not sure what that would do for my health though.

And Paris. I love Paris. It's just so... so French but a different French from the rest of the country.

Yes... I think I'd like to be French. Just for a bit. But I'm quite happy being English most of the time.